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I am incredibly mad at myself for falling in love with you. Actually, I am more mad at you for letting me. You made it seem safe to. You encouraged my quivering lips to speak the words "I like you". Fuck you for that. Fuck you for telling me I am one of the most beautiful girls here. Fuck you for being a good kisser. Fuck you for singing john mayer when we are together, cuz now when i hear it I want to scream. What has changed? I just do not understand at all. How can you go from wanting to spend each day with me to not wanting to spend time with me at all. Bullshit, your just busy. I felt like i was walking on eggshells to not over commit myself and freak you out. you forced the emotions out of me. i hate you for it. I know you like change, but you have a seriously fucked view on how relationships should be.
stage 5 clinger...poor girl.
why.
learnloveology
23 October 2008 @ 09:44 am
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29 September 2008 @ 10:06 pm
Why is that when a new guy steps into my life I freak out. God, I like this one so much. Everytime we are together, I think in my head "Can I Keep You". Please keep me. I could so love you, maybe you could love me. Why in the world am I dating the most gorgeous guy on campus? It makes me feel inadequate. Of course, he is perfect and funny and althetic. I'm over here like "Hi, I am this awkward theatre girl who cusses and drinks too much. Who when faced with working out , would rather just not eat for a day, or more like eat a shit ton and vomit it than fuck with an elyptical."
I am an out of shape fool.
GOOODDDDDDD.
kiss me, love me, keep me.
this shit is weak.
01 April 2008 @ 05:39 am
she who breathes in what life has to offer and exhales it as quickly as possible.
smoking cigarettes looking for truth in the absence of clarity.
she who self destructs and reconfigures daily
looking for answers in those who claim to know her best
she who seeks love in hard places and times
spending hours pouring out her soul wondering if it makes a difference
she who is both self loving and self loathing at all times
wanting to be all she can be yet never reaching her correct destination
she who wanders lost on a path that is set for a succesful future
knowing what she wants and then denying what she knows
she who is both completely honest and completely false
craving to find someone who will know it all and not doubt her soul
she who is passionate and wasteful
running scared because she has been trying so hard she just doesn't care anymore
she who is defined by so much and so little at the same time
feminist, activist, lover, fighter, student, friend, sister, actor,
she who is me.
not knowing where life is going and not knowing what she is.
smoking cigarettes looking for truth in the absence of clarity.
she who self destructs and reconfigures daily
looking for answers in those who claim to know her best
she who seeks love in hard places and times
spending hours pouring out her soul wondering if it makes a difference
she who is both self loving and self loathing at all times
wanting to be all she can be yet never reaching her correct destination
she who wanders lost on a path that is set for a succesful future
knowing what she wants and then denying what she knows
she who is both completely honest and completely false
craving to find someone who will know it all and not doubt her soul
she who is passionate and wasteful
running scared because she has been trying so hard she just doesn't care anymore
she who is defined by so much and so little at the same time
feminist, activist, lover, fighter, student, friend, sister, actor,
she who is me.
not knowing where life is going and not knowing what she is.
23 January 2008 @ 05:10 pm
Does Someone You Know Have Bulimia?
If you think someone you know may be suffering from bulimia, answer the following questions as honestly as you can.
First, think about her recent behavior in terms of food:
- Has she declined the offer to share a meal together more often than she accepts?
- When she does eat with you, does she avoid carbohydrates? Does she order only salads? Or nothing at all?
- Does she drink many glasses of water (to help the food come up more easily)?
- Does she disappear into the bathroom after eating and stay a long time?
- Does she flush the toilet more than once or twice?
- If she uses the bathroom at your house, does she run the water?
Think about her conversation:
- Does she talk about food all the time?
- Is she preoccupied with weight -- hers and others?
Think about her appearance:
- Was she recently slightly overweight -- just 5 - 10 pounds?
- Has she recently lost weight?
- Are her eyes bloodshot? Watery?
- Does she have sores on her knuckles from inducing vomiting?
- Is her voice hoarse?
- Does she constantly have cold-like symptoms, such as sneezing, coughing, sniffling?
- Does she have broken capillaries on her face?
- Is her face puffy?
- Do you notice small swellings in her cheeks, about the size of golf balls? (These are enlarged salivary glands.)
Think of your friend's general mood:
- Has she been avoiding social occasions?
- Does she seem especially secretive?
- Is she drinking more than she used to?
- Is she spending a lot of time at the gym, or compulsively exercising?
- Does she seem moody? Depressed?
- Is she habitually tired?
- Has she stopped doing many of the activities she used to enjoy?
If the answer to many of these questions is Yes, then your friend may well have bulimia.
Current Mood: 
exhausted
exhausted19 November 2007 @ 11:03 pm
How can someone with an eating disorder healthfully navigate through the busy holiday season? Here are twelve suggestions that may help.
1. Eat regularly and in some kind of reasonable pattern. Avoid "preparing for the last supper." Don't skip meals and starve in attempt to make up for what you recently ate or are about to eat. Keep a regular and moderate pattern.
2. Worry more about the size of your heart than the size of your hips! It is the holiday season, a great time to reflect, enjoy relationships with loved ones, and most importantly a time to feel gratitude for blessings received and a time to give back through loving service to others.
3. Discuss your anticipations of the holidays with your therapist, physician, dietitian, or other members of your treatment team so that they can help you predict, prepare for, and get through any uncomfortable family interactions without self destructive coping attempts.
4. Have a well thought out game plan before you go home or invite others into your home. Know "where the exits are," where your support persons are, and how you'll know when it's time to make a brief exit and get connected with needed support.
5. Talk with loved ones about important issues: decisions, victories, challenges, fears, concerns, dreams, goals, special moments, spirituality, relationships and your feelings about them. Allow important themes to be present and allow yourself to have fun rather than rigidly focusing on food or body concerns.
6. Choose, ahead of time, someone to call if you are struggling with addictive behaviors, or with negative thoughts, or difficult emotions. Call them ahead of time and let them know of your concerns, needs, and the possibility of them receiving a call from you.
7. If it would be a support or help to you, consider choosing one loved one to be your "reality check" with food, to either help plate up food for you, or to give you a reality check on the food portions which you dish up for yourself.
8. Write down your vision of where you would like your mind and heart to be during this holiday time with loved ones. Take time, several times per day, to find a quiet place to become in tune again with your vision, to remember, to nurture, and to center yourself into those thoughts, feelings, and actions which are congruent with your vision for yourself.
9. If you have personal goals for your time with loved ones during the holidays, focus the goals around what you would like to do. Make your goals about "doing something" rather than about trying to prevent something. If you have food goals, then make sure you also add personal emotional, spiritual, and relationship goals as well.
10. Work on being flexible in your thoughts. Learn to be flexible in guidelines for yourself, and in expectations of yourself and others. Strive to be flexible in what you can eat during the holidays. Take a holiday from self imposed criticism, rigidity, and perfectionism.
11. Stay active in your support group, or begin activity if you are currently not involved. Many support groups can be helpful. 12-step group, co-dependency group, eating disorder therapy group, neighborhood "Bunco" game group, and religious or spiritually oriented groups are examples of groups which may give real support. Isolation and withdrawal from positive support is not the right answer for getting through trying times.
12. Avoid "overstressing" and "overbooking" yourself and avoid the temptation and pattern of becoming "too busy." A lower sense of stress can decrease a felt need to go to eating disorder behaviors or other unhelpful coping strategies. Cut down on unnecessary events and obligations and leave time for relaxation, contemplation, reflection, spiritual renewal, simple service, and enjoying the small yet most important things in life. This will help you experience and enjoy a sense of gratitude and peace.
Listen to your body!!!!!!!!
The first key to listening to your body is being able to detect when you are getting hungry. If you are indeed truly hungry, and not just looking for food to cure your boredom, stress, or loneliness, then it is time to refuel.
The second key is being able to know when you have had enough. Listen to your body. When you begin to feel full, you will know that you have had enough to eat. The goal is to feel content--not uncomfortably stuffed but not starving either. Sometimes this means eating 5 or 6 smaller meals a day instead of 3 large meals. And, remember it takes about 20 minutes for your body to realize it's full. Also, be aware of what you are eating--sit, chew slowly, enjoy the tastes, smells, and textures of your food.
The third key is moderation, nothing to extremes. Often people hear this advice and think it means they can eat whatever they crave, all the time. Obviously we cannot survive on potato chips or peanut butter cookies alone. And if you tried, chances are you'd probably start to crave some pasta or fresh fruit after awhile. These cravings are your body's way of helping you get the nutrients it knows you need.
Be thankful for your body!!!
Your body is extraordinary--begin to respect and appreciate it.
1. Eat regularly and in some kind of reasonable pattern. Avoid "preparing for the last supper." Don't skip meals and starve in attempt to make up for what you recently ate or are about to eat. Keep a regular and moderate pattern.
2. Worry more about the size of your heart than the size of your hips! It is the holiday season, a great time to reflect, enjoy relationships with loved ones, and most importantly a time to feel gratitude for blessings received and a time to give back through loving service to others.
3. Discuss your anticipations of the holidays with your therapist, physician, dietitian, or other members of your treatment team so that they can help you predict, prepare for, and get through any uncomfortable family interactions without self destructive coping attempts.
4. Have a well thought out game plan before you go home or invite others into your home. Know "where the exits are," where your support persons are, and how you'll know when it's time to make a brief exit and get connected with needed support.
5. Talk with loved ones about important issues: decisions, victories, challenges, fears, concerns, dreams, goals, special moments, spirituality, relationships and your feelings about them. Allow important themes to be present and allow yourself to have fun rather than rigidly focusing on food or body concerns.
6. Choose, ahead of time, someone to call if you are struggling with addictive behaviors, or with negative thoughts, or difficult emotions. Call them ahead of time and let them know of your concerns, needs, and the possibility of them receiving a call from you.
7. If it would be a support or help to you, consider choosing one loved one to be your "reality check" with food, to either help plate up food for you, or to give you a reality check on the food portions which you dish up for yourself.
8. Write down your vision of where you would like your mind and heart to be during this holiday time with loved ones. Take time, several times per day, to find a quiet place to become in tune again with your vision, to remember, to nurture, and to center yourself into those thoughts, feelings, and actions which are congruent with your vision for yourself.
9. If you have personal goals for your time with loved ones during the holidays, focus the goals around what you would like to do. Make your goals about "doing something" rather than about trying to prevent something. If you have food goals, then make sure you also add personal emotional, spiritual, and relationship goals as well.
10. Work on being flexible in your thoughts. Learn to be flexible in guidelines for yourself, and in expectations of yourself and others. Strive to be flexible in what you can eat during the holidays. Take a holiday from self imposed criticism, rigidity, and perfectionism.
11. Stay active in your support group, or begin activity if you are currently not involved. Many support groups can be helpful. 12-step group, co-dependency group, eating disorder therapy group, neighborhood "Bunco" game group, and religious or spiritually oriented groups are examples of groups which may give real support. Isolation and withdrawal from positive support is not the right answer for getting through trying times.
12. Avoid "overstressing" and "overbooking" yourself and avoid the temptation and pattern of becoming "too busy." A lower sense of stress can decrease a felt need to go to eating disorder behaviors or other unhelpful coping strategies. Cut down on unnecessary events and obligations and leave time for relaxation, contemplation, reflection, spiritual renewal, simple service, and enjoying the small yet most important things in life. This will help you experience and enjoy a sense of gratitude and peace.
Listen to your body!!!!!!!!
The first key to listening to your body is being able to detect when you are getting hungry. If you are indeed truly hungry, and not just looking for food to cure your boredom, stress, or loneliness, then it is time to refuel.
The second key is being able to know when you have had enough. Listen to your body. When you begin to feel full, you will know that you have had enough to eat. The goal is to feel content--not uncomfortably stuffed but not starving either. Sometimes this means eating 5 or 6 smaller meals a day instead of 3 large meals. And, remember it takes about 20 minutes for your body to realize it's full. Also, be aware of what you are eating--sit, chew slowly, enjoy the tastes, smells, and textures of your food.
The third key is moderation, nothing to extremes. Often people hear this advice and think it means they can eat whatever they crave, all the time. Obviously we cannot survive on potato chips or peanut butter cookies alone. And if you tried, chances are you'd probably start to crave some pasta or fresh fruit after awhile. These cravings are your body's way of helping you get the nutrients it knows you need.
Be thankful for your body!!!
Your body is extraordinary--begin to respect and appreciate it.
Current Mood: 
blah
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